Today we have a special guest post. One of our goals for this blog was to get our anonymous users a chance to get questions answered by professionals. I’ve been in communication with Dr. Anthony Hughes, who is a Certified Sex Therapist, and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist out of Utah county. He is also the author of the book “What Your Parents Didn’t Tell You About Sex: An LDS Guide To Sexual Intimacy.”
Dr. Hughes has graciously answered some questions for us that I will be sharing on the blog over the next little while.
Here is the first question he answered:
Has anyone completely lost their drive to have sex after having a baby? I already had pretty low drive but since having a baby it’s basically nonexistent. My husbands love language is touch and cuddling only lasts so long ha. He is SO patient and understanding but I can’t help but think there is something wrong with me. It also doesn’t help that things that used to arouse me don’t anymore – like I cringe but don’t want to say anything. I know he would be understanding but I’m basically ashamed and feel like I’m not being a good wife. I just feel like it’s become such a chore and don’t know what to do. Any advice or related circumstances?
It is normal to have a fluctuation in sex drive with the birth of a child. There are significant hormonal shifts that take place. There are also some other really relevant factors that many people do not consider that impact the sexual drive of many women. While the birth of a child is amazing, it provides a different perception of one’s body and the spouse’s perception as well. For some this can fuel sexual desire and for others this can be more difficult to navigate. Subsequent to the birth of a child sexual body parts such as breasts and nipples are used for very different purposes than they were used before. They become life giving and sustaining. They become pulled, poked, groped, pinched, etc. in a very non-erotic way. Another factor that impacts sexual drive is the lack of sleep and energy given to your young one. Additionally, many parents lose themselves in their children and the sense of self disappears as interests, hobbies, and other things that help to define the person become non-existent fade away and one finds the self in a supporting role rather than in a leading role. Lastly, the focus on the relationship is lessened. The husband may unwittingly focus the bulk of their attention on the new child and the wife takes a back seat. This can also happen for the wife as well. Sexual desire is usually an offshoot of the overall relationship. I would suggest opening up to your spouse as he appears to be an understanding partner. It seems that your shame is what keeps you two from building a closer relationship.
If you would like to schedule a meeting with Dr. Hughes, he has several offices in Utah. You can find more information at: covenantsextherapy.com
519 West State Street, Suite 102
Pleasant Grove, Utah 84062
3355 N. University Ave., Suite 250
Provo, Utah 84604
9130 South State Street, Suite 125
Sandy, Utah 84070